nature references sold here

I'm inclined to long explainations. When I told my parents I was moving from the grace and loveliness of their rental home they've let me live in for the past year...I had a speech..the speech started to sound like a bunch of excuses tied together with a thread of guilt. But that isn't how I felt when I made my decision! Why was I letting it eap out this way? I had been an inactive mother too long, wanted to complete motherhood with as much awesomeness as I felt about the work/play itself. To let go of it by default was not going to be my mom legacy. That and because it is usually about me and the people around me get to reap benefits or suffer right along...I is about claiming space for dreams. My kid has his dreams to complete things in his goal list and I have my own list and need a space for it. A space that I can be myself..be messy..be down and dirty even. No..not running a whore house (although back in the day..I could have made a pretty penny) I had just been making myself small for a long while..don't notice me and what I'm doing..don't let me impose on you..ya, I know I have a lot of stuff..(why am I apologizing for my art supplies again? why is it ok to self depricate something I love and am proud of?) So, folks..I had an opportunity to claim the space I had ended my marriage in. That husband passed away but before he did..he left a legacy of inovation that I get to take advantage of. I am not without gratitude and reverence for the wall between living room and kitchen being replaced with a bar and grill (hey...ya..it's a bar and grill! still trying to think of a name..that will come in handy)I adore that type of living where you can encompass all of your entertaining in one room. The accoustics reaped from hardwoord floors and ceramic tile throughout the top level are not for everyeone..small children, noisy animals etc...but for musicians in my family? We should be so lucky. The first time I sang with my guitar in the living room was a joy. It might have been the wine..but pretty sure it was that I didn't feel I needed the microphone I had invested in at all. Having a bedroom already wildly painted and an art room next to it painted in specifics (think under the sea without the detail) might have been unapealing to some but by golly...if I'm not anything, I am adaptive...and I spent an entire sunday adapting and making my room my own with obnoxious flowers and words and color and swoops of joy. Ya..swoops!! As I left my former house with the last load to my new house, there was a butterfly on the driveway. It wouldn't move as I took pictures and pondered the significance. Even when I returned for what was really the last load..there it was. It was gone by the time I got in my car for the trip. So beautiful and kind of telling of what I wanted to do. The second nature reference was one of my favorite sayings....this going down the hallway to my bedroom and studio.. Here's some more of the nesting I'm doing

Serendipity happens

My Portland sister, Heidi was visiting my Seattle sister, Heather and took Heather's baby, Sofia for a walk. Minutes later I get a text from Heidi.."not to rub it in but look who I found!!!" and this picture. So very cool.

Happy Bre Day

I'd like to think this picture says it all but still want to share the moments leading up to meeting the baby girl I gave birth to 25 years ago. I found myself with a sad reason to get to Seattle where Breanna now lives. My little sister lives there and was beginning her first round of chemo/radiation and I wanted to be there for her...for us. This was not the meeting Bre and I had planned over the years of us knowing about each other and navigating slowly through a unique friendship. I also knew I could not go to Seattle without meeting her face to face. I sent her a message asking if we could just pop the face to face cherry and then have our longer fantasy visit at another time. I'm such a social backslider that it felt good to just make a plan. I kept the plan from my sisters who were doing the cancer vigil with our sister in Seattle until it was settled and as spontaneous and low key as possible. So one afternoon, I sent Bre a message through facebook (we had not exchanged phone numbers yet) and asked if this was a good time..that it was good for me..I knew she had the day off, I think..can't recall how it all came together but she would wait for me at a park. As luck would have it..a park seperated my sister and my daughter all these years. I was good kind of nervous and two of my sisters and my new neice joined me on a walk to meet Bre. The park would have been fine but one of us..maybe both of us suggested a bar with BEER. I loved how we kept agreeing with the plotting of this pivitol moment. This is my side of the story. I guess it's possible for Bre to tell it like I was the big bully making her do this and feel obligated to do that.. It did not feel this way. It felt like we knew each other a lifetime. I walked into the bar and there she was..prettier in life than the pictures I had studied and examined for the few years leading up to our meeting. She felt familiar. The hug felt like a blanket fresh out of the dryer. Staring and talking and staring some more. It was just us. No fanfare..none of the other players in our little drama..just naked as we came. When we decided to actually go to the park and leave the bar...I told the bartender who had not known why he was taking our picture. As if it was the most normal thing in the world..."that is my birth daughter..we just met after 25 years" I didn't even really wait for a response. Bre and I agreed that if we were to meet on a talk show, it would be Ellen..but that's all we really talked about as far as publicity. We talked more at the park and deciced to get food and go to her house. We needed a ride and so my sisters were called. Bre told me we will never get the chance to play this prank again so let's tell your sisters that the meeting isn't going well and I just need to be picked up. I am a terrible prangster but held the lie until my sisters got out of the car to tentatively meet the neice they had fallen in love with over facebook. When Bre and I started cracking up..the jig was up and hugs all around. Once at my girl's house with amazing pizza and gelato...we played guitar and sang. That is my biggest recognition. She has my voice. It gave me chills and I still havent watched the full video I made of her singing and playing for me. I met her boyfriend..her housemates..the dog. She is hippy spirit through and through and I just marveled at how she was living her life. Venturing into her backyard where she knew the name of plants, told little stories of her life I had not been part of. I continued to be happy about her family and how she was raised into this woman I would choose to be friends with. Quick smile, sparkling eyes, amazing brain. Beauty inside and out. And I'm not just saying this because we share blood. I am truly in awe. We exchanged numbers. We said our goodbyes with the promise of visits that included the people we love. And for now...we can continue to use social media and phones to keep to keep track of and get to know even more. In the end, I gained more than I lost. Knowing this girl made the lives of two people as happy as I've been raising kids...,Hell yes! I still feel pangs of loss that I didn't get a front row seat...but I am loving being in the joy of it now. Bre is my blessing.