I have been spending some time this thanksgiving week thinking of all those in my path who have been something of a beacon. I feel so blessed and often unworthy of such love. I woke up earlier than usual this morning and got out my huge bag of journals and stuff that I save to put in the journals. This bag has been sitting for quite some time, so I don't know what possessed me..but am glad to have revisited some of the things in my world that have made me most happy and grateful.
Letters from my parents.
I have a mom and dad who have given to me more than just a great childhood. I have five sisters to share their love with and somehow feel special and like they are in tune with my needs ALL the time. The best thing about receiving gifts from these two is that there isn't a reciprocation clause. Yes, that is reserved for politicians as far as my family is concerned. Simple giving when one is able and when one needs it.
Letters from girlies.
and pictures.
When someone takes the time to make a picture or write out gratitude and love, it is remarkable to me. I never take it for granted and usually don't think there is anything attached to this except for communication of thanks. I miss the time spent with my locked up girls..such great memories and shared moments passed between some of the coolest girls I could know. Super blessed to know these bitches :)
ah...cards from my own kiddos.
there isn't a day that goes by that I am not grateful for my offspring. How did I get so lucky?
Each one growing up to be amazing adults..each with their own gifts. My life's greatest blessing.
As I type, my youngest is doing laundry and dishes and moving stuff for me. Not because it is his 16th birthday on Saturday and he wants something special, but because he has witnessed my shit week of being sick and being poor and being pathetic. And because he wants to be part of the solution. If he brings this girl home that he is meeting up with..after he shows her my artwork and proudly introduces her to me, I will tell her that I am the luckiest mom alive.
Friends who get me.
This includes my sisters...who I have thanked my parents for giving birth to my best friends over and over.
They are ones who know the song in my heart and sing it back to me when I forget.
This is for YOU GIRLS!

Saying YES

I have been a job application/interview whore this past season...well, since June when I lost what I thought would be my life's work.
It has been difficult for me to settle into someone else's place, with someone else's rules and sing someone else's song when what I truly want is to be the boss of me. At 52, you would think that I would have it all figured out by now..and at the root of things..I do have it all figured out. If I didn't need to continue to have bread on the table and heat and dog food and transportation to get that food..I'd not have a problem.
So..who am I to think that I am too good to work for a company?
I guess that when I finally have it figured out, there isn't the work out there that fits into what I have figured out unless I make it myself.
I am good at following along for a paycheck when I have to..it's all about the end justifying the means and all that...and I can do it as long as I need to..I am also good at making the best of situations.

I am also good at making art. I am good at being beside a person who wants to make art.
Simple as that.
Encouraging..check. Creative..check. Thinking outside the box and accepting of whatever floats your boat...check.
When my motherhood road ends, I may want to travel around to make and teach art in the nooks and crannies of our nation..but what about now? I have a house that is free for me to do whatever I please.
The voices in my head saying..ya, but what if someone needs to use your bathroom?
And what about the stove that needs cleaning and the crappy wallpaper and weird smells from an old and leaky roof?
Oh..and Maddy, the boxer doesn't trust all humans..ya.what if she scares students from her catdoor in her designated room while you teach?
And what if the cost keeps people away? even if you have done all you can to keep things reasonable and desirable? What if people that could be your kindred creatives don't think themselves worthy of Art Kamp?
Oh..what about parking? Especially in winter? Will the neighbors be ok with their street  being clogged with cars on Tuesdays and Thursdays?
um..cars? that means that you've built it and they CAME!
Yes!
Say yes to ART KAMP! (yep..camp with a K..you got a problem with that?)
Say yes to kindred spirits gathering with their visual journals and colorful containers of stuff from their own stashes. Say yes to music of choice, to free coffee and to inspiration!!!
INSPIRATION!!!
Haven't I told myself NO for too long?
I have the rest of November to clean the walls and sort through the bookshelves and lose the clutter and GAIN the space for all relevant supplies and tools and welcome campers..I mean KAMPERS to the little living room turned studio that my kids think looks like a rental cabin in the woods.
We will make books and fingerless gloves and paper and clay pots and bracelets and toys and pretty things for our own spaces and to give to our kids and our neighbors. We will tell stories and share recipes and peel ourselves away from facebook and have real face time with real people. We will share brown paint that we never liked with the glitter someone else will never use and the yarn we stored will have a new life as the shawl for someone in life crisis and we will breathe creativity into all that we do.
Ya..that's what I will do.

moving forward

couldn't let this day pass without a humble happy dance

I chickened out a little and got another full time job instead of selling my art and my classes. As I was being pressured (forced?) to sell debt to credit card customers over the phone, I decided I would rather use the guts I have to sell something that I believe in..heart and soul, baby. The day I quit and stayed home for the first time in 15 eight hour shifts in a row..I panicked a little..but got on my etsy site and added some stuff and decided to put the new things up on my facebook. Might as well use facebook for good instead of to get me fired! Low and behold..a long time artsy friend saw this and went to my etsy shop and made a purchase that has given me momentum that I have not experienced for a while. Thank you, Cheryl..love love love you!!
Here's the funny part..I almost didn't notice that I forgot the "e" in Breathe. Good thing I had the day off today to correct it and make a new piece to send off with the rest of the art goodies.
I think I am the one who needs to BREATHE.

Experiments in facepainting

Two aha moments here...
1.When doing ART with kids..listen to them and let go of control.
I could see my granddaughter's friends were antsy to get their hands on my face painting supplies..so I relinquished and watched the magic begin. I've painted plenty of faces..no ego involved here (hahaha)
2. My son is an awesome GIRL DAD. Just like I knew he would be. Who else would let their kid and her friends have at it on his beautiful face? Tony teaches at the kid's school..I can only imagine what the kids will be saying at recess today.
p.s. yes..I know it's sideways...I know how to do a lot of things..but fixing a video on my phone isn't one of them

tony's birthday

It's my first born's birthday today...32 years of being his mama..have loved it all. Since I've been in movie mode...here's to you, Tony..I love you.

I have a lot of doodling down time at my j.o.b. (ssshhh...don't tell my boss..lol) and have rediscovered a lost art for myself..loving making details of my brain patterns.
 If I could have a Corinne Bailey Rae vibe goin' on..hang out at a coffee shop and play music..draw...write..guzzle coffee..no smoking, thank you...t'would be a happy camper.

art with the Littles

How lucky am I to have grandkids who love to create? I have collected and altered old train cases for a long time..decided it was time to get some of my collection out and bestow the littles with their own art boxes. Gobs of acrylic dimensional squirty paint later...their creations are divine. Ya..so it took a while to try..just gave us time to make kool-aid play dough!!!!

Be kind to one another

My son asked me if I was ever bullied the other day. I had to think. Ya..there was a kid when I was in first grade who asked me if I knew what a pin was and before I told him I did, he stuck me with the pin he had in his hand. That was about it.
Then I wondered..hmm...what made me go back to childhood when thinking of being bullied?
I guess because that was the last time I wanted to give up my power? I dislike feeling sorry for myself let alone anyone else feeling sorry for me. Me, a victim? no WAY!
The times when people have tried to make me into a victim..or put me in a place of no power...those have been my bullies. A person who sees no other way to feel good about themselves but to keep other people down (in their eyes)...ya..the undercover bully.
Usually someone who doesn't really love themselves would want to see another suffer.
These are the people who probably need kindness the most.

aRt NinJa

happy birthday to me

hello blog world..imaginary audience...fantasy soapbox
I wanted to publicly open up about something cool that happened today.
I recognized that I had let go of a lot of expectation and was able to be in the moment and love "what is".
How very zen of me.
I woke up to being 52 this morning. There was a message on my phone from my singing dad that went like this:
 Happy birthday to you,
 You are fifty two
You look more like forty
And I'm proud of you.
After some name calling text messages (to ease the pain of age?)...my sister, Jackie and I hooked up for breakfast. I was so happy she mentioned it was my birthday to our server so I could have a free piece of pie...Hawaiian Strawberry to be exact...but even more happy to spend infinite time with this gem of a friend. She always knows the right things to say.
I gave up an impromptu lunch date with my first born..but we stretch out birthdays in our family, so I will be seeing him soon...it's BIRTHDAY MONTH, damnit!!
I got to spend a little time with my youngest spawn since he came home early from a work trip. I marveled to Baylee about expectations..and taking what comes and just being happy to be alive and spending time with people I love.
Which reminds me...
I will be picked up shortly to have dinner with my cute mom and dad and my "next to" sister I share a birthday month with AND shared a room with for many years. Back then, it was annoying to have to share. Today..wah lah!!! I am in a place where it doesn't all have to be about me.
How did this happen?
How did I come to love the moments and the people and not judge so much and not compare so much and not want all the attention?
I wish I could explain it better...
Or better yet...wrap it up and give it to whoever needs it.
And you won't know you needed it til you have it. And that's the grandest surprise of all.
I am pretty sure grace has fallen over me today..after a month ..wait...a year of lots and lots of shit.
I am so blessed to have this much love and light in my plain old ordinary world.
Happy FREAKING birth day to me.

p.s. Tony took me to training table as soon as we both had free spots in our day at the same time.an impromptu date never the less.. ..look at this handsome boy who will turn 32 at the end of this month..love him.

honesty room

The voice on the radio sounded familiar. At first I thought it was because the story being told rang true..then I realized it was my daughter on the phone with Dr. Laura.
I pulled over to hear the painful tale of how my daughter's father had failed her and that now that she was grown...should she bring up past hurts and clear her history with this man who disappointed her time and again.
My heart broke..as it did many times for my only girlchild. How could her dad not realize that putting his girlfriends and wives ahead of his little girl's need for his love would do lasting damage?
 Past that...I still had the arrogant chip on my shoulder telling me that at least I was a good mom..in spite of divorcing the man who was never really self aware enough to see the silly things he would do to HIS only daughter..his little peanut.

Coming home to my daughter, Ali surprising me with mowed grass and clean kitchen wasn't the biggest event of my after-work-time today..
When Ali left me in the silence of an almost empty nest, I reviewed our conversation. We love talking..we have a lot in common and a lot not in common but choose to embrace and learn from. I was glad she changed the movie from Pan's Labrynth to a more digestible and easily talked over John Travolta movie instead...
background noise.
I can't type out here in public what truths I admitted to my daughter in what became a vulnerable space of time. It's not like I planned to tell her how I felt about some mothering choices I had made...I just did. I'm not even sure that it was all that appropriate to admit some things to her.
What I noticed..heavy and strong..was that I was not afraid. I felt like even if she judged me...like she had her whole life..and like I judge my own mom..what girls do as they size themselves up against their first primary female relationship...
that I didn't really care.
I have become a more blunt person..saying what's on my mind and in my heart..without censoring myself other than to not be so harsh that I would hurt someone's feelings irreparably.
Ali doesn't lie to me and why should I lie to her? Our questions to each other often probing beyond what is comfortable...I sometimes think I could be more tactful..or maybe embellish so she won't see the tarnished mom...the person I have been in the past and the person I continue to be.
I feel cozy in the space of unconditional love added to my illusion that I have been the best mom I could be..and not really worrying when our relationship shifts from mother/daughter...mentor/mentee..into friends..into her teaching me..her being my guide...her being someone I am not afraid to learn from when our roles reverse.
Ali directed me to her school portfolio website. I told her I would read it when she left..didn't want to spend our face time reading.
I think she forgot that she had already told me of a writing assignment where she expressed the deep sadness she had over losing her beloved cat when I chose to marry someone who was "allergic" to cats.
Even though I knew she was angry about it all...I read her story with new eyes.
Now THIS was the story to call a radio help line about.

I was always one who was disgusted by the mothers whose daughters had told me of their choosing a man over them.
Judging, I am.
I don't even remember feeling sad that Ali had to leave her kitty behind at her ...OUR favorite house.
She either hid her tears..or I was so distracted and in my own sadness that I had to move from this sugarHOUSE to the ghetto rose park house..that I just put her childish tears aside.
What I do remember and what I know now is that most of my kids have deep animal love.
And I do not.
I love other things.
It's easier to love pets now that the space that was filled with child raising is coming to a close...but I have never been cat or dog mom..just allowed my kids to have pets because I wanted to indulge their own passions..even if I didn't share them.
I indulged them a lot over the years..letting them do their own things..even encouraging things just to show I was the cool mom..you want a tattoo? I'll get you a tattoo!
Still not sure about sitting in a place where I could have made some harsh mistakes that leave lasting scars..and wanting to defend my position..and wishing I had it to do over again so I could make the perfect mom choices...

But here I sit. Challenged. Scared. Looking for the lesson in all of this.
Maybe my lesson is to just live more honestly.
Instead of the smug...I am a great mom..especially compared to the shitty dads I've given to my kids...
REMEMBER and KNOW that I made mistakes. I will make mistakes and the best I can do is accept and acknowledge and not hide them behind all my stacks of excuses.
The best practice can be...full disclosure..mourning losses...and getting back on the fucking horse and ride it out until the greener pasture of second, third and fourth chances rise up to meet me where I am,..what I've grown into and where I can go from this lesson.

I remember ever so clearly laying awake all night after giving birth to my Ali...thinking of all the girly things I can now do after being boy mom for the grand total of four years. The journey of my raising a daughter speckled with the proud moments..the frustrating, I give up moments..and mostly the moments when I have been in fucking awe of this woman.
Instead of the competition girls usually bring to their relationships...I notice that I have none. NONE.
If Ali is better than me in anything...I am not threatened.
I remain proud and content.
I think this is a pretty cool place to be and don't want it to go unacknowledged because I believe it to be rare in the mother/daughter/sister/girlfriend scheme of things.
I didn't plan it. I won't even try to take credit for growing our relationship. It just went this way..from all our individual choices and collective love.
It's not what I even  need to figure out today...one thing my daughter and I share is our endless analyzing of things.

Ali told me of her desire and love of adoration and praise yesterday. Who admits these things? As she's talking..I'm thinking..ya..I love for people to think I'm amazing..but I am way too cool to admit it..I am not the person who NEEDS that shit..I know who I am and it's enough that I think I am amazing.
Plus I have all these cards and pictures from kids I've worked with...
You know...the kids I've spent these little bits of time with over the years? The kids who I haven't really had a chance to screw it up with...the kids I get paid to mother..

I don't really have a dramatic end to this piece...a way to tie it all together,...
loose ends in the honesty room
Stay tuned.

Tah freaking Duh!!
this is my daughter, Ali..on a mutual day off...lunch and guitars..what could be finer?

best advice

I have had blessings of rich friendships. This rumi quote comes to mind as I sift through who I spend my time with. How often do we find ourselves stuck with folks who suck our energy and steal pieces of our soul? Stop it!, I say!

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censorship

 This is a picture that I took at the place I used to work. There was a buoyant girl in detention, who saw humor through pain and just happened to be a champion of human rights and just happened to have the lifetime dream of going to africa and saving people :) I loved it when she made our schedule the night before MLK's birthday. So much that I posted this picture on my facebook and earned myself a five day suspension from work. I dutifully took the picture down, but am putting it back up again..on my blog..with many naner naners.
Below is one of the reasons I will have a difficult time leaving the treatment center I currently work at. I immediately took a liking to a very real and creative girl who puts her struggles out there through visual and musical art. I love that there is a certain amount of freedom of expression there. The attitude that art is everywhere and if it's not..we will put it there is pictured here on our trip to the park where girls had no problem expressing themselves in a guerrilla artform to be proud of.

And then there's the memory of many girls who touched my life throughout the years..made me proud to be part of their turning their lives around. This was a picture one of my favorite girlies made me..the note on the back says something about me holding the umbrella of care over the lost souls I work with. I cherish this.

Just small sampling of things I've learned from working with kids and letting them be free to express what they need to...in times when live has shitty challenges.
I know there's a time and a place..but censorship ruffles my feathers these days as nothing else can.
peace and love, Tori

How I love it when people adhere to this principle. I haven't let draining folks ..well..drain me..as much as I have in the past..but when a person is obviously a fountain? I am there for the ride. Here's to all the fountains in our lives!!

Thank You Mr. Lincoln :: by Tori Andrus

Thank You Mr. Lincoln :: by Tori Andrus

I was a quiet, shy sixth grader who mostly did what my teachers asked for fear of being sent to the principal's office or being ridiculed in front of my classmates. Until I met Mr. Lincoln. I hold this man responsible for unleashing the irreverent and uncensored artist in me and will be forever grateful.

My favorite teacher took me aside one day and pointed to a bulletin board. "This is yours." He described how he saw me using my art and writing and ability to create themes and use quotes to make a different bulletin board every month (at least).

I was given a voice.

I have used that voice ever since. I was no longer afraid of being singled out as this wise man singled me out for good. He even managed to make it so the class celebrated what I did rather than be jealous that I had something they did not. I take his teaching style into my teaching and counseling teenagers. I have resolve to get to know them past shyness, past crimes, past behavior, and find their gifts. And create forums for them to show the gifts in positive ways. I will forever strive to use my creativity to be a light in dark places. May we all have a Mr. Lincoln in our lives.

new favorite read

So glad Jenny Doh has been publishing books. She has chosen some great teaching artists for this "exploration of artful gatherings". Inspiring.

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impromptu cuisine

What a nice surprise to come home from work and find my son, Cody here to make us dinner. What I think started out as a way to snowboard for free has turned into a food wise cheffing experience we all get to take advantage of. Here's what I learned this night.

.that rice cookers have no place in the kitchen..there are tricks with burners and foil that work better.

..that no matter how good a cook you are, peppers still burn when you cut into them

that fresh avocado and a little spritz of lemon zest are nice additions to stir fry (even if this picture looks a little like regurgitation)

and that if you combine eating large amounts of good food while watching good stand up comedy (thank you, Bill Burr)..the calories consumed do NOT count..but the Krispy Kream donuts you consume after might.

Goddess Chronicles

Needing some inspiration/motivation/reason for a 40 hour work week and not go on welfare...
Oh...and a big big LOVE for teenage girls and what they have to say about how they see their world..
I officially started Goddess Chronicles. The metal box is for submissions. The Big Purple Notebook is for accepted and printed up submissions.
What to do with these?
I wish I could get some permission to make a blog to share with whoever was interested. There are so many privacy and GRAMA issues (I think that's the acronym). When I get this going outside of my place of employment though...watch out! NO MORE CENSORSHIP.
I will say that one of the writing prompts was to talk about how love works in your life (there was an eloquent quote on an affirmation card but I'm too lazy to find it for this writing) One of my girls came to me to trade in her love card..something I was willing to entertain if the card didn't jive at all with the girl. I told her to work with it pretty please. "Fuck love" she said. Since we had talked privately about love gone wrong, I told her to start her paper out with that. "Write fuck love as many times as you need to in as many sentences and forms as you need to and maybe you will find your way to a good love place", I told her.
She did as directed...but did not find a good love place.
Yet.
WORK. IN. PROGRESS.

Repositioning

I turned my bed to position facing my alter stuff.
 I am excited about us allowing the girls at work to make (albiet paper) alters on the inside of the doors to their rooms. It gave me the idea to make sure I wake up to what is important..mantras, things I love, my happy place.
I remember when I was maybe six or seven and sharing a room with my baby sister, Mindy. Our mom might have thought the big, colorful train decoration she hung above Mindy's crib was for the baby in the room, but I remember waking up most mornings to looking at that train with all it's colors and patterns and meditating on it (if I knew there was such a thing) It intrigued me that an artist could use so many colors and patters that didn't match..but once put together..connected beautifully.
So, without yielding to color or style themes, I embrace what I love about having a room of my own.

BeGiN aGaiN

I send messages to myself subconsciously. Feeling strongly enough about this mantra...I had it tattooed on my forearms this past year to remind myself of what I aim to do and homage to all the people I admire who rise above challenges and then SHinE as a result or in spite of challenges. My challenge has been how to sort and channel my creative energy into something that makes sense and something that can be long standing through this second part of my life. I have often been frustrated in making it all fit..all the things I love into one entity that I can keep or alter to fit the ever changing life I lead. It was always a business. I love putting businesses together..with the clever names and mission statements. What I finally had the epiphany about was that I am the entity. I don't need to attach myself to a business..I am The Business. What I have to offer the world is enough. The biggest things I believe in is being a light...a blessing more than a burden, a safe place to fall, a calm in the storm..even when I am the storm.

So..here I am..STAge NaMe: Tori Sunshine. I know..sounds like a stripper. Well, damnit..I embrace my inner stripper. Who needs the trappings of  what expectations I put on myself (I almost blamed society just now)? Inside this entity..ME...is art to make and sell, classes to prepare and teach, books to write and people to inspire and be inspired by. Let the magic begin!!!