Sage
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| in my efforts to remember the goodness..I post this..with a prayer that this suckyass time with my poet son will pass |
poetry.by Sage Hoggard on Sunday, May 1, 2011 at 12:57pm
.lets melt time, we'll grab each minute and form them into candles. we'll sit outside and use the night sky as a blanket while we are intertwined into each others atmospheres. we will become one and together we will hold the world in our arms. we'll act as giants watching over all and all knowing we're always there even though they can't see us. as we look past each others eyes we can see the brightness of our souls as our lips collide. we can feel the warmth radiating from each others hearts as our hands lock together. I see you as a star in the sky although your beauty doesn't die out like the stars do. your inner-self could light up the world for an eternity. your the sun and I'm the planet orbiting around you. you bring me happiness, motivation and hope. I can't put the love I have into words. I feel the presence of an angel when you are near, it's like you lift the weight off my shoulders. it's as if you heighten my senses, you blind me in a way that most don't I can only say that this isnt a joke. you make me feel that every thing is alright. your beauty can't be beat or matched it's impossible since your one of a kind. Let the feelings flow, let the colors fall like snow, smile at all the good and bad, come to me if your feeling sad. remember every waking moment that I'm here for you, memorize those words as best as you can.
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Welcome Home
I don't remember thinking much about it when I dipped my foot into the pool of motherhood. I always expected to be a mom. I didn't expect it to be as emotionally consuming as it has been for sure...amazing what a little screwing around can produce, huh? I always believed I would hold on to what I thought I was and not have motherhood define me.
As my offspring found their way, I have been intensely proud of their independence. Secretly holding on to hoping they wouldn't be so independent that they would forget how awesome their mom was or how much they needed her..but really glad to raise thinkers with confidence to do their own thing.
I have worked in the juvenile system for over 13 years. Unfortunately..or fortunately..I have not had a strong allegiance to any kind of government agency. Just happy to have work that involved hanging out with teenagers..helping this population was my calling.
When my oldest son joined the Marines, my hippy spirit convinced me he was using the man to get through college. Surprise, surprise...this kid developed some strength and insight that he may not have known he needed and that I, as his mom, was certainly pleased with.
I have spent the last nine months with my 16 year old son, Sage developing in the womb of youth corrections.
His independent spirit corralled in a treatment center for substance abuse.
Kicking and screaming, I had no choice but to surrender this boy I have had great hopes for from birth.
Sage was as cute as any baby could be. He drew a lot of attention as I would pack him around in my kid backpack. Sitting back there behind me, I knew his charm would keep people entertained on buses..in stores..at the park..wherever we went, Sage had an audience.
Growing up with a loosely disciplined mom (hey..my other kids never got in a lot of trouble..my style was good for them) and a militant father (seeing himself in Sage and wanting Sage to reach his potential and not be the slacker he had been) ..well, it resulted in some polarizing and learning to manipulate..and just kind of an interesting dichotomy...adding to it some inner conflict of his own..and an independent spirit ..self medication became an option.
My experience with my own kids and with kids I worked with at detention gave me my solid opinions on pot smoking and I wasn't too alarmed.
Dad used it as a way to keep the law parenting Sage after I divorced him and Sage wanting nothing to do with him.
That's the only thing I'm going to say about that in this piece because I have desire to be past the blame and anger game of marriage gone bad.
What I have learned in the months following Sage being in court ordered substance abuse treatment (or glorified boy's group home as I've called it on days of leftover angst) has been significant.
I had trusted a couple of unknown people to be the mom and dad of a daughter I gave birth to 21 years prior to this time. I knew in my heart I could not give her everything she deserved and I held on to the belief that our kids are not our possessions..we merely have responsibility and stewardship over their best well being. I have had mostly peace with my decision. Knowing a little (not nearly as much) of her at this time helps me to know this was a good decision..but I see how amazing she is ..and don't necessarily want credit in this (but c'mon..isn't that a reward of every parent..to show pictures and tell stories of how great their kids are while patting themselves discretely on the back?)..but I long to have known her growing up.
Sometimes you have such strong love for someone that you just want to swallow them up and make them part of you forever.
That's how I felt with Sage.
Nobody will ever really know the hole in my heart that was stretched when I knew he would be living away from me for so long. I forced myself to hold my head high at work when I knew people were judging me. My mom ego had to take the longest break ever. I would crack every so often and usually in front of people I trusted and knew cared about me...but really, this was a private struggle that I could only give bits and pieces out.
I spent many days on my knees in some primal agony I never knew possible.
While I had a certain amount of relief to not be the one who had to nag this kid every day to get up for school..leave his brother alone..clean up after himself..leave our stuff alone...pass a drug test for heaven sake!..I still wanted to be a part of his world.
Weekly three hour drives back and forth to his treatment became the only way to remain in Sage's life.
I would cry there and back..and then it got to be maybe only there..and then it got to be not at all.
What happened?
I told myself I would never get used to this and here I was...accepting this as normal?
Well...I recognized a shift in my son.
I never recognized him having any self esteem problem. Sage was smart and talented and handsome and arrogant as they come.
What I began to see what a young man who had inner peace and confidence and didn't seem to need the world to acknowledge and accept him as much anymore.
While I already figured out he had been self medicating some anxiety and adhd symptoms with marijuana... I had not come to terms with how he would be dealing with other issues once he got medicated for the "disorders" and did not really have faith that some of the things me and my other kids and family had been concerned about..his anger and dishonesty were big hurdles for him.
What I have come to know..that just like other things Sage has natural independence about..his taking care of his own problems..not letting people in to his inner demons..but wanting to be left alone to deal with them...he has figured out a way to still be who he is at heart..a creative soul who dances to his own beat...and be humane at the same time.
Like I said..as a mom..we (or I could just speak for myself) want to take credit.
I have to say though..I am merely a witness. The audience who can applaud for sure..or can boo..no doubt..but a witness to growth and maturity and self actualization.
Now..could this have happened without THE SYSTEM butting in?
maybe.
But the blessing of a lot of pieces falling into place..a bulldog of a caseworker with a good heart..some intuitive staff...even some crappy staff who teach my kid tolerance..the other kids at this place setting examples of what to be and what NOT to be..holding up a mirror so to speak..
but mostly just time away from one's life and routine to establish some real and lasting goals...to get in one's head for a while without being drugged up...to really feel what it's like to not have family every day and to truly miss that unconditional love and not take it for granted anymore.
Sage told his judge and the treatment team that if he got sent to rehab..he wouldn't waste his time there even though he would be upset. He has proven this to be true. For that I am proud and have deep admiration for. I don't know that I could do it.
I have taken Sage's example of dealing with authority and just letting things happen and not fighting it so much...and knowing that I will have the growth I need to have from opposition.
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July 2, 2010 On Turning 50
I've been thinking about being 50 years old all year...preparing myself. I don't even know if I've told anyone my age is 49..just said I'll be 50 this year..practicing being proud.
As I sat making a list of 50 things I've learned so far in my oversized art journal, I realized..ya, I am proud...damnit!!
So, here goes...
I have learned:
1. That kids are not possessions.
2. That it is really fun to give. That I'm a giver attracted to givers.
3. That faking orgasms only hurts the faker.
4. That creating things is my happy place.
5. That playing guitar is actually easier (and more portable) than playing piano.
6. That teenagers are smarter now than when I was a teenager (that or adults might have learned from the teen me and just didn't admit it).
7. That all the tears and sleepless nights were worth it, Ali!!
8. That any movie with Sean Penn in it is worth seeing.
9. That my kids are my greatest teachers.
10. That I have a lot to learn.
11. That my dad was right when he said friends come and go but you'll always have your sisters.
12. That my mom was right when she wouldn't let us have sleepovers..and why do they call them sleepovers? they should call them stay awake overs.
13. That the only sport worth watching on television is dancing.
14. That laughter is great foreplay.
15. That a day spent with a hangover is not worth the excess drinking it took to get there.
16. That the world really is better than the news would have us believe.
17. That there is no way all this happened by chance.
18. That I suck at choosing partners.
19 That I don't suck at choosing friends.
20. That work you love is the only way to go.
21. That guilt is often a wasted emotion and there is no guilty pleasure..just pleasure.
22. That I am patient, kind and loving when anger and ugliness are spit out of my life.
23. That I should never say never.
24. That my work style works and I should never feel bad about it.
25. That humor softens the blow better than anything.
26. Except love.
27. That having sons totally makes up for not having any brothers.
28. That time spent building relationships is never wasted.
29. That I can't be all things to all people.
30. That kids grow up and do their own lives in the blink of an eye so each time I get frustrated by the lack of me time or lack of money or lack of sanity, I should remember to cherish every moment I can spend while they are under my wing.
31. That I really do have a good voice and not just in the shower.
32. That I can be the change and waiting for someone else to change only slows down progress.
33. That I have sexy feet.
34. That small hands don't mean small everything.
35. That I have color and funk inside me all the time and can beckon it at will.
36. That girls need dads.
37. That thinking of 50 things I've learned before my 50th birthday is a fun, creative exercise.
38. That my body likes to exercise and needs to tell my brain and remind it every day.
39. That making things for people to symbolize and remind them of my love is the thing I do best and as often as possible.
40. That a feather pillow can last through raising 6 kids and two marriages and still be my soft place to fall.
41. That I can love a man deeply and we can be each other's soft place to fall.
42. That living and breathing with my art supplies and work in the same room is the space I should have always been in.
43. That I can never spend enough family time.
44. That even if I was rich, I would shop second hand.
45. That music has mood power.
46. That I am braver than I give myself credit for.
47. That grace is an amazing concept.
48. That I am an amazing kisser.
49. That there is nothing more cleansing than a good cry and if you can cry with someone..no matter who starts it or who needs it, there is no greater connection.
50. That I am loved.
I am grateful I have the ability to touch this world and the people I am blessed to know...
with art, with music, with humor, with writing, with love, with people, with understanding, with being there to lift and help them see where they shine..
and remind them that they are loved and they have power to touch their world with the very same things.
only in different packages.
That I am in places here to witness growth and grace and the moments in time when someone chooses goodness.
I love my life.
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Primal Yell
When I was a teenager experimenting with sex and love (or reverse order..but not usually)...did I think motherhood would be teaching me this much? Hell no. I had kids to give them what I knew and all the great things that I had to teach....Sage doesn't have a monopoly on arrogance..no sir.
I am forever grateful for my capacity to love this much.
Motherhood has taught me great humility, it has taught me that grace exists and it has taught me that we are all teachers and students.
I still don't want any kid of mine owned by The Man...but I will take this child who has been essentially reborn..still with flaws..and with tools to fix them..and with quirks that will drive me insane (do you really need to make beats with that pencil during this meeting?) and know that he is better for having been in and survived the kind of hell being away from home can be..whether it's a choice or forced.
And I will hold my head high because my heart is full and a hung head and a full heart do NOT go well together.
I had some moments to capture in film this mother's day but instead relished in the moment of my grown kids surprising me with dinner after I returned home from a long day at work. One of my D.T. girls made me this card..I have to say..it touches my ego that Carla still keeps in touch with the occassional text .."hi mom" or "hey mom..you're gonna be a grandma"
I love my job.
But I mostly love the job I have at home raising my "real" kids. Four down..two to go.
So..coming home to a housefull of adults making food was pretty uh..have you ever shared your kitchen with boys? My son, Scott had caught a bunch of walleye at a tournament and was deep frying it with some fries daughter Ali was seasoning and baking (thanks, Ali...my girlish figure couldn't handle two deep fried things in one day). The fish was equisite..there's a reason Scott gets all the cool chef jobs.
As we sat and ate in my almost too small for this crowd living room..the kids shared and laughed about one memory after another. They had me forgetting how tired I was from work, how sad I was from visiting my wayward son at the work camp he was still living in..I just laughed and smiled and marveled at this group of people I had a hand in creating.
That they are all friends is a blessing. That they can bring the right kinds of boy and girlfriends in to be friends with them all is extra cool. That they get their movie and comedy references that speckle the conversation is hilarious. That they respect one another and give advice that this mother can't because I had parents that stayed married..is really really cool.
I woke up the next day grateful even for the fish chef staying behind until past my bedtime to actually get some mom advice..you're never too old, I guess.
I told my dad at breakfast a while later about this night with my kids..I know he gets it because I see him sitting back when we're all together doing the same kind of marveling..
These are the moments we go through kid hell for.
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Happy Breanna Day!!
I can't sleep. I'm thinking about this amazing person I get to know this month..November..thanksgiving month.
Twenty years ago, I gave birth to a baby girl.
Today I get to be happy that she was raised with love..that she has a sense of herself that not all 20 year olds have..that she doesn't hate me for giving her to a family who couldn't biologically have children but have given Breanna everything I intended and likely more.
The mystery is opening up and I could not be more pleased.
Grace has touched my world today in a huge way.
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Father's Day
I made a tshirt for my dad for father's day that said "happiness is..three hour breakfasts"..code for spending time with my pops is one of my ultimate joys and since he has taken to spending sunday mornings with coffee and his favorite girls..one at a time..breakfast after breakfast..giving us glimses into his world..interigating..or not..into our world...observations, politics, religion..more observation..a little conversation about simply nothing..or big things like our kids..our mom..so many things..and three hours not even being enough time.
I've had a couple of close friends lose dads this year and hit it home that I am so blessed to still have my dad.
Here is this hot sixty something coming to pick me up..how could I not get in this car with this dude???
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