tony's birthday

It's my first born's birthday today...32 years of being his mama..have loved it all. Since I've been in movie mode...here's to you, Tony..I love you.

I have a lot of doodling down time at my j.o.b. (ssshhh...don't tell my boss..lol) and have rediscovered a lost art for myself..loving making details of my brain patterns.
 If I could have a Corinne Bailey Rae vibe goin' on..hang out at a coffee shop and play music..draw...write..guzzle coffee..no smoking, thank you...t'would be a happy camper.

art with the Littles

How lucky am I to have grandkids who love to create? I have collected and altered old train cases for a long time..decided it was time to get some of my collection out and bestow the littles with their own art boxes. Gobs of acrylic dimensional squirty paint later...their creations are divine. Ya..so it took a while to try..just gave us time to make kool-aid play dough!!!!

Be kind to one another

My son asked me if I was ever bullied the other day. I had to think. Ya..there was a kid when I was in first grade who asked me if I knew what a pin was and before I told him I did, he stuck me with the pin he had in his hand. That was about it.
Then I wondered..hmm...what made me go back to childhood when thinking of being bullied?
I guess because that was the last time I wanted to give up my power? I dislike feeling sorry for myself let alone anyone else feeling sorry for me. Me, a victim? no WAY!
The times when people have tried to make me into a victim..or put me in a place of no power...those have been my bullies. A person who sees no other way to feel good about themselves but to keep other people down (in their eyes)...ya..the undercover bully.
Usually someone who doesn't really love themselves would want to see another suffer.
These are the people who probably need kindness the most.

aRt NinJa

happy birthday to me

hello blog world..imaginary audience...fantasy soapbox
I wanted to publicly open up about something cool that happened today.
I recognized that I had let go of a lot of expectation and was able to be in the moment and love "what is".
How very zen of me.
I woke up to being 52 this morning. There was a message on my phone from my singing dad that went like this:
 Happy birthday to you,
 You are fifty two
You look more like forty
And I'm proud of you.
After some name calling text messages (to ease the pain of age?)...my sister, Jackie and I hooked up for breakfast. I was so happy she mentioned it was my birthday to our server so I could have a free piece of pie...Hawaiian Strawberry to be exact...but even more happy to spend infinite time with this gem of a friend. She always knows the right things to say.
I gave up an impromptu lunch date with my first born..but we stretch out birthdays in our family, so I will be seeing him soon...it's BIRTHDAY MONTH, damnit!!
I got to spend a little time with my youngest spawn since he came home early from a work trip. I marveled to Baylee about expectations..and taking what comes and just being happy to be alive and spending time with people I love.
Which reminds me...
I will be picked up shortly to have dinner with my cute mom and dad and my "next to" sister I share a birthday month with AND shared a room with for many years. Back then, it was annoying to have to share. Today..wah lah!!! I am in a place where it doesn't all have to be about me.
How did this happen?
How did I come to love the moments and the people and not judge so much and not compare so much and not want all the attention?
I wish I could explain it better...
Or better yet...wrap it up and give it to whoever needs it.
And you won't know you needed it til you have it. And that's the grandest surprise of all.
I am pretty sure grace has fallen over me today..after a month ..wait...a year of lots and lots of shit.
I am so blessed to have this much love and light in my plain old ordinary world.
Happy FREAKING birth day to me.

p.s. Tony took me to training table as soon as we both had free spots in our day at the same time.an impromptu date never the less.. ..look at this handsome boy who will turn 32 at the end of this month..love him.

honesty room

The voice on the radio sounded familiar. At first I thought it was because the story being told rang true..then I realized it was my daughter on the phone with Dr. Laura.
I pulled over to hear the painful tale of how my daughter's father had failed her and that now that she was grown...should she bring up past hurts and clear her history with this man who disappointed her time and again.
My heart broke..as it did many times for my only girlchild. How could her dad not realize that putting his girlfriends and wives ahead of his little girl's need for his love would do lasting damage?
 Past that...I still had the arrogant chip on my shoulder telling me that at least I was a good mom..in spite of divorcing the man who was never really self aware enough to see the silly things he would do to HIS only daughter..his little peanut.

Coming home to my daughter, Ali surprising me with mowed grass and clean kitchen wasn't the biggest event of my after-work-time today..
When Ali left me in the silence of an almost empty nest, I reviewed our conversation. We love talking..we have a lot in common and a lot not in common but choose to embrace and learn from. I was glad she changed the movie from Pan's Labrynth to a more digestible and easily talked over John Travolta movie instead...
background noise.
I can't type out here in public what truths I admitted to my daughter in what became a vulnerable space of time. It's not like I planned to tell her how I felt about some mothering choices I had made...I just did. I'm not even sure that it was all that appropriate to admit some things to her.
What I noticed..heavy and strong..was that I was not afraid. I felt like even if she judged me...like she had her whole life..and like I judge my own mom..what girls do as they size themselves up against their first primary female relationship...
that I didn't really care.
I have become a more blunt person..saying what's on my mind and in my heart..without censoring myself other than to not be so harsh that I would hurt someone's feelings irreparably.
Ali doesn't lie to me and why should I lie to her? Our questions to each other often probing beyond what is comfortable...I sometimes think I could be more tactful..or maybe embellish so she won't see the tarnished mom...the person I have been in the past and the person I continue to be.
I feel cozy in the space of unconditional love added to my illusion that I have been the best mom I could be..and not really worrying when our relationship shifts from mother/daughter...mentor/mentee..into friends..into her teaching me..her being my guide...her being someone I am not afraid to learn from when our roles reverse.
Ali directed me to her school portfolio website. I told her I would read it when she left..didn't want to spend our face time reading.
I think she forgot that she had already told me of a writing assignment where she expressed the deep sadness she had over losing her beloved cat when I chose to marry someone who was "allergic" to cats.
Even though I knew she was angry about it all...I read her story with new eyes.
Now THIS was the story to call a radio help line about.

I was always one who was disgusted by the mothers whose daughters had told me of their choosing a man over them.
Judging, I am.
I don't even remember feeling sad that Ali had to leave her kitty behind at her ...OUR favorite house.
She either hid her tears..or I was so distracted and in my own sadness that I had to move from this sugarHOUSE to the ghetto rose park house..that I just put her childish tears aside.
What I do remember and what I know now is that most of my kids have deep animal love.
And I do not.
I love other things.
It's easier to love pets now that the space that was filled with child raising is coming to a close...but I have never been cat or dog mom..just allowed my kids to have pets because I wanted to indulge their own passions..even if I didn't share them.
I indulged them a lot over the years..letting them do their own things..even encouraging things just to show I was the cool mom..you want a tattoo? I'll get you a tattoo!
Still not sure about sitting in a place where I could have made some harsh mistakes that leave lasting scars..and wanting to defend my position..and wishing I had it to do over again so I could make the perfect mom choices...

But here I sit. Challenged. Scared. Looking for the lesson in all of this.
Maybe my lesson is to just live more honestly.
Instead of the smug...I am a great mom..especially compared to the shitty dads I've given to my kids...
REMEMBER and KNOW that I made mistakes. I will make mistakes and the best I can do is accept and acknowledge and not hide them behind all my stacks of excuses.
The best practice can be...full disclosure..mourning losses...and getting back on the fucking horse and ride it out until the greener pasture of second, third and fourth chances rise up to meet me where I am,..what I've grown into and where I can go from this lesson.

I remember ever so clearly laying awake all night after giving birth to my Ali...thinking of all the girly things I can now do after being boy mom for the grand total of four years. The journey of my raising a daughter speckled with the proud moments..the frustrating, I give up moments..and mostly the moments when I have been in fucking awe of this woman.
Instead of the competition girls usually bring to their relationships...I notice that I have none. NONE.
If Ali is better than me in anything...I am not threatened.
I remain proud and content.
I think this is a pretty cool place to be and don't want it to go unacknowledged because I believe it to be rare in the mother/daughter/sister/girlfriend scheme of things.
I didn't plan it. I won't even try to take credit for growing our relationship. It just went this way..from all our individual choices and collective love.
It's not what I even  need to figure out today...one thing my daughter and I share is our endless analyzing of things.

Ali told me of her desire and love of adoration and praise yesterday. Who admits these things? As she's talking..I'm thinking..ya..I love for people to think I'm amazing..but I am way too cool to admit it..I am not the person who NEEDS that shit..I know who I am and it's enough that I think I am amazing.
Plus I have all these cards and pictures from kids I've worked with...
You know...the kids I've spent these little bits of time with over the years? The kids who I haven't really had a chance to screw it up with...the kids I get paid to mother..

I don't really have a dramatic end to this piece...a way to tie it all together,...
loose ends in the honesty room
Stay tuned.