I pulled over to hear the painful tale of how my daughter's father had failed her and that now that she was grown...should she bring up past hurts and clear her history with this man who disappointed her time and again.
My heart broke..as it did many times for my only girlchild. How could her dad not realize that putting his girlfriends and wives ahead of his little girl's need for his love would do lasting damage?
Past that...I still had the arrogant chip on my shoulder telling me that at least I was a good mom..in spite of divorcing the man who was never really self aware enough to see the silly things he would do to HIS only daughter..his little peanut.
Coming home to my daughter, Ali surprising me with mowed grass and clean kitchen wasn't the biggest event of my after-work-time today..
When Ali left me in the silence of an almost empty nest, I reviewed our conversation. We love talking..we have a lot in common and a lot not in common but choose to embrace and learn from. I was glad she changed the movie from Pan's Labrynth to a more digestible and easily talked over John Travolta movie instead...
background noise.
I can't type out here in public what truths I admitted to my daughter in what became a vulnerable space of time. It's not like I planned to tell her how I felt about some mothering choices I had made...I just did. I'm not even sure that it was all that appropriate to admit some things to her.
What I noticed..heavy and strong..was that I was not afraid. I felt like even if she judged me...like she had her whole life..and like I judge my own mom..what girls do as they size themselves up against their first primary female relationship...
that I didn't really care.
I have become a more blunt person..saying what's on my mind and in my heart..without censoring myself other than to not be so harsh that I would hurt someone's feelings irreparably.
Ali doesn't lie to me and why should I lie to her? Our questions to each other often probing beyond what is comfortable...I sometimes think I could be more tactful..or maybe embellish so she won't see the tarnished mom...the person I have been in the past and the person I continue to be.
I feel cozy in the space of unconditional love added to my illusion that I have been the best mom I could be..and not really worrying when our relationship shifts from mother/daughter...mentor/mentee..into friends..into her teaching me..her being my guide...her being someone I am not afraid to learn from when our roles reverse.
Ali directed me to her school portfolio website. I told her I would read it when she left..didn't want to spend our face time reading.
I think she forgot that she had already told me of a writing assignment where she expressed the deep sadness she had over losing her beloved cat when I chose to marry someone who was "allergic" to cats.
Even though I knew she was angry about it all...I read her story with new eyes.
Now THIS was the story to call a radio help line about.
I was always one who was disgusted by the mothers whose daughters had told me of their choosing a man over them.
Judging, I am.
I don't even remember feeling sad that Ali had to leave her kitty behind at her ...OUR favorite house.
She either hid her tears..or I was so distracted and in my own sadness that I had to move from this sugarHOUSE to the ghetto rose park house..that I just put her childish tears aside.
What I do remember and what I know now is that most of my kids have deep animal love.
And I do not.
I love other things.
It's easier to love pets now that the space that was filled with child raising is coming to a close...but I have never been cat or dog mom..just allowed my kids to have pets because I wanted to indulge their own passions..even if I didn't share them.
I indulged them a lot over the years..letting them do their own things..even encouraging things just to show I was the cool mom..you want a tattoo? I'll get you a tattoo!
Still not sure about sitting in a place where I could have made some harsh mistakes that leave lasting scars..and wanting to defend my position..and wishing I had it to do over again so I could make the perfect mom choices...
But here I sit. Challenged. Scared. Looking for the lesson in all of this.
Maybe my lesson is to just live more honestly.
Instead of the smug...I am a great mom..especially compared to the shitty dads I've given to my kids...
REMEMBER and KNOW that I made mistakes. I will make mistakes and the best I can do is accept and acknowledge and not hide them behind all my stacks of excuses.
The best practice can be...full disclosure..mourning losses...and getting back on the fucking horse and ride it out until the greener pasture of second, third and fourth chances rise up to meet me where I am,..what I've grown into and where I can go from this lesson.
I remember ever so clearly laying awake all night after giving birth to my Ali...thinking of all the girly things I can now do after being boy mom for the grand total of four years. The journey of my raising a daughter speckled with the proud moments..the frustrating, I give up moments..and mostly the moments when I have been in fucking awe of this woman.
Instead of the competition girls usually bring to their relationships...I notice that I have none. NONE.
If Ali is better than me in anything...I am not threatened.
I remain proud and content.
I think this is a pretty cool place to be and don't want it to go unacknowledged because I believe it to be rare in the mother/daughter/sister/girlfriend scheme of things.
I didn't plan it. I won't even try to take credit for growing our relationship. It just went this way..from all our individual choices and collective love.
It's not what I even need to figure out today...one thing my daughter and I share is our endless analyzing of things.
Ali told me of her desire and love of adoration and praise yesterday. Who admits these things? As she's talking..I'm thinking..ya..I love for people to think I'm amazing..but I am way too cool to admit it..I am not the person who NEEDS that shit..I know who I am and it's enough that I think I am amazing.
Plus I have all these cards and pictures from kids I've worked with...
You know...the kids I've spent these little bits of time with over the years? The kids who I haven't really had a chance to screw it up with...the kids I get paid to mother..
I don't really have a dramatic end to this piece...a way to tie it all together,...
loose ends in the honesty room
Stay tuned.
Typically one with Andrus blood has no crying willpower against something like this post, but through all the sentimental, funny, awesome thoughts your lay out here, I held it together. Until I read the part about you seeing my memoir that talked about my crying shit storms, which were emphasized in this story with my cat crisis. i have been so worried about you reading this piece, (even though I am pretty proud of it, and want that praise and admiration -- to which I am shameless enough to admit) so when my eyes reached the line, "a writing assignment where she expressed the deep sadness she had over losing her beloved cat" i made some weird guttural sound that startled the pups dozing at my feet, and commenced my shit storm crying -- out loud since nobody else is home.. I love being able to really cry when I want to. I felt bad writing about it, and still feel bad now, knowing you know about my cat crisis. I can't really explain it, but I kept the tears to myself and didn't want you to know about that because I didn't want you feeling guilty. I don't know what that is about, but there it is. And the loose ends of your post will now fray here because I don't know how to end that either.
ReplyDeleteThose things aside, I also wanted to say that I hadn't really thought about it before, but I don't feel a competition with you either. I have felt competition and jealousy with other women in my family, usually those brought in by the boy-men in my family -- brothers and father -- but, like you were saying, even when you're better than me at something, or have a connection with someone or something that I wish I had, it's still not a jealousy or competitive thing. It's more like, "yeah! we're winning this bitch together, go team!" :)
I love you, and our relationship, and the people in our lives for whom we share a love or care. we're a great team, and lucky to have it that way.
thanks for being the best mama for me, rights and wrongs alike (on both sides) and for helping me be the person I am today. Your support and unconditional understanding is valuable to every person you cross paths with, and as your child, and perhaps as your only "girlchild" or whatever you called me, I get more of that than anyone else. The power of someone else's belief in you can push you miles beyond where you would have otherwise been, so thanks for the advantage. and for the praise and admiration, you know i love it!
xoxo, me
it was good for me to hear and know..I am glad you wrote it out...we can spare each other's feelings for the rest of our lives or we can sit in the shit storm we often cause for one another..because we know unconditional love can sometimes cause that..(I know you love me so you won't mind if I make you do this for now..)
ReplyDeleteplus...there are those times when pain is caused because of misunderstanding..like the vivid memory I have of you getting your stuff out of the white van to take into your dad's house. Not at ALL like you putting your stuff into Ashley's car to go for the summer. The pain of you moving out of my house was top five of painful mom moments. When I finally told you about where I was at that time..you explained your compassion for your brother and the trade you two decided to make. Had I known that? ya..it still would have cut like a knife.
Sitting here reading this with the background of your youngest brother and his friends listening to the grossest dude music (how can Baylee be alarmed at Game of Thrones and still listen to a song with the chorus "I want to fuck a dog in the ass" and laugh his head off is beyond me)makes me ever so glad for the balance you provide in my mothering life. Girls RuLE!!!! What you said here...I will cherish forever. Just wait til you're in charge of a kid(s) and long for something you did for them to mean something. I love you like crazy!!!