G Tor tor

My grandbaby's dad is calling me G Tor Tor. It may stick. He's also making me yummy food items while I sit on my ass waiting to be needed. This visit to Montana is one of those priceless moments I want to record now so forgetting is not an option.
Witnessing your child... in this case my only daughter to have given birth.. is as rewarding as parenting gets. I can overlook teen rebellion in a heartbeat looking at these babies she made.

It would be lovely if...(aka 2016 intentions)

My loverly pal, Nancy has been inspiring me since I've met her. This past week she challenged us on her Infinite Possibilities blog to come up with a stream of intentions beginning with a sentence "it would be lovely...:
Here is mine. In print.In no particular order (don't analyze me) Not embarrassed.
It would be lovely...
*to have a consistent daily work out routine filled with stretching, resistance and freestyle movement. oh..and music.
*to reduce the sugar in my diet by 50%
*to only consume alcohol 2 x a week - small amounts
* to reduce meat consumption to 3 x a week
* to increase fresh foods by a bazillion
*to grow herbs and use in food prep
*to make delicious and decadent desserts and have them be my source of fats and sugars as opposed to processed shit.
*to incorporate exercise (strength/tighten/aerobic) into my daily routines and recreation. Ok, start hiking or something
*to use more natural, herbal medicine and less pharmaceutical
*to dance (belly, tap, modern) on a regular basis - even classes..or swing/square with groups
*to have a new electric/accoustic guitar and know how to use it - building skills, writing music
*to sing daily and increase skills
* to read/listen to books daily
*to make visual and written journal entries daily
*to stitch/handcraft meditation daily
*to be still daily
*to learn something new and interesting daily
*to have my car paid off
*to have a well running machine with dings fixed to take me to new places
*to have well stocked kitchen (tools and ingredients)
*to have a well stocked studio
*to aquire and keep only used clothing and accessories and get rid of excess, focus on quality over quantity
*to have enough savings for travel to kid's places and enough ongoing income for The Big Trip
*to leave home in the spring and spend April and May "Journal Jamming" with kids before school gets out. To fund this trip with my art and teaching as I go along.
*to write The C,A,R.E. Alliance Handbook and promote through the spring trip.
*to decorate my car for promotion and detain the inside for camp use
*to start a revolution of handwork-writing/stitching/drawing/painting with kids - journal jamming
*to make a song list and add that to the revolution-both composed and borrowed
*to bein journal jamming in coffee shops for fun raising
*to send C.A.R.E. packages every week for love and fun raising
*to make cards to abandon daily
*to post art inspiration on social media
*to make a blog I am proud of and that puts good into the world
*to promote creative lives
*to know each of my children and their people and their kids through constant contact
*to cook for my parents every week
*to sustain relationships with my sisters
*to strengthen and continue to build a community of kindred spirits
*to get thoughtful tattoos
*to be in love with a man who I want to share my life with and build a solid future with
*to be the kind of person I want to love
*to continue to grow with my love and not stop at the exciting, horny parts
*to communicate, listen, give, receive, love, love, love that person
*to find meaningful activity and not settle with said love dude
*to continue with current job until my business sustains me
*to have a sustainable business
* to clear my name of past debt-both personal and financial
*to make love as often as possible
*to laugh and cry freely as often as necessary
*to make activities and routines meld together into an interesting love story
*to take care of and nurture my people
* to see places, go to festivals, art shows,concerts markets and gatherings in my town, my country and make plans to see places outside this box
*to be an inspiration to my kids
*to support people I care for in their dreams and goals
*to be thoughtful with my actions and mindful with my words and careful how I treat myself and those I share space with
*to make sustainable art
*to promote sustainable living with regards to recreation and joyful time as well as routines
*to speak in positive tones
*to turn away from that which doesn't serve me or the greater good
*to avoid idle and useless gossip in all forms- participation and witness
*to maintain a spiritual practice
*to kick ass in the indie art world
*to make music second nature
*to use space wisely
*to be mindful in gathering and entertaining people
*to make good use of time, energy and resources
*to approach difficulties before they burst into shitty situations
*to not be afraid to speak and to have my voice be heard
*to take a stand when necessary
*to speak up to injustice
*to be mindful of habits and seek to care for myself, others and the earth in thoughtful ways
*to be grateful, to notice things, people, activity, to be grateful for and speak of these things- direct my gratitude to those who should hear, see and know it
*to have fun
*to surrender to pain and sorrow when necessary
*to sit with people in their pain and suffering and to ease burdens when possible
*to be selfless when I can
*to teach people how to treat me and not suffer needlessly
*to not martyr up my life
*to insist on happiness
*to seek out goodness
* to find beauty and support those who make that which is good possible
*to not CAVE into excess or hoard unnecessary things
*to be a beacon of light
*to support and promote all beings in their efforts to be light
*to be childlike and accept that I don't know everything
*to be in the mystery, to not shy from wonder and to be a sponge of knowlege
*to find cool spots
*to learn to give really good massage
*to be a gracious receiver of love
*to make dull spots shiny
*to accept dull and not try and change everything
*to never ay things happen for a reason but instead go with - some things in life can't be fixed, they can only be carried
*to be good at hiking and walking the earth
*to know about terrain
*to be able to read maps
*to know about plants - growing and harvest
*to invent techniques, recipes and music
*to end relationships that no longer serve me or the other person
*to have an end of life plan
*to be a person my kids are proud and happy to have in their lives

I got to 100 within and hour.
I like how I started with self care so I could be well enough for the bunches of other things I can do when I am feeling my best.
 Pretty excited that not one of the things on the list was about organizing or sorting or getting rid of stuff. Decreasing my belongings and making mysrlf portable over the past two years has left me with more room for good things to happen. Lovely things.

The Sift and Shift

May 2013 began a twisted journey of shifting and sifting. I made the decision to stop trying to hang on to a house that was no longer practical for me. For many reasons..some I regret, some just are, I started the process of storage vs. tossing vs. selling vs. daily necessity.
My plan to live in my parent's basement was first on the list. Secure a storage space for all I wanted to take with me in the next incarnation was next and breaking the news to my sons who would need to stay with their dad was last and most painful.
I didn't make all the right moves at that time but I learned a lot and try to have limits on regret.

I was all about the books and art supplies I had acquired and moved and acquired more of and move. Storage was a bitch to fit everything in but I did it. Behind this stack are maybe two more stacks of books.
There they sat until I found a little apartment with enough space for my bed, kitchen things, an art table, a little couch and still in the boxes - books and art supplies.
I barely made it there at that little place in apartment complex hell before I was convinced the pretty white house behind my parent's house was the perfect place for me.
Ta da!!!

So much to love about moving into a bigger, clean and beautiful space. And then the unthinkable happened and my boy's father was killed in an accident October 2013 and shifting became imminent.
I moved back into the house we raised the boys in. Mark had already done a lot of remodeling and what was left undone, I was able to put my spin on. Which meant paint, paint and more paint.

Here I could bring all my green boxes and put them in the car port and forget I still had stuff.
I could not store the pain. I could not fix what was going on with some things in my world and made the biggest decision of all this to move to a new state. Portland, Oregon is where I would call home and find my way back to who I was losing. That all sounds fucking dramatic..and it WAS...but I'm writing to sort this time line out and that is just how it felt. All the paint in the world could not make my family whole after death and sadness. Taking myself out of the mix of my boys and their grief was all I could think of.
And there was also adventure and finding kindred spirits and HEIDI!!!!!
My sister had lived there with her family and I dig me some Wilders. They put me up in the nicest of guest rooms until I found a spot to call my own.
Before that was more sorting. I only allowed myself to take what I could fit in my car and my sweet pop's truck. All my other stuff became other people's stuff.
Books and important art supplies traveled with me..the irreplaceables, you know. My mantra was anything I can easily replace was left behind.
PDX is amazing. I love it.

I fell in love with the place more every day. When I finally found home that wasn't any better than the crappy ass apartment in West Valley City, Utah, I was pretty content.

 

 

But my loves were on my fridge.

Except these loves

May 2013, I loaded up my Red Corolla and moved back to Utah.

To this

and then a little bit of this.........

I brought some of Portland with me in mind and spirit and will miss so much but I love me some Salt Lake and perspective.

 

And that is the short version of how I sifted through 35 years of accumulation as a grown up on this planet and how I slowly decreased my material belongings. I want to share what I gained but will save that for another day. This was kind of exhausting to relive. I will leave with this..what I really really want.

 

Happy mothering day

When my kids were little, I wrote timelines out in my journal of future milestones..when each would be in kindergarten..when each and then ALL would be in school...when I would have my life back. The youngest is 18. You know what that means? Freedom!!

To celebrate..I took myself out of Utah and on to an adventure in Portland where my baby sis, heidi lived and was in the thick of mothering.

I sat with Heidi and her mom friends at a bar after the Art Day her and I had with all their kids just a few hours earlier. I recognised the relief and collective time to ourselves. I had it every time I had extended me time when my own kids were the ages of this group of mom's kids.

I got a lot of gratitude from parents that day.
What I felt was my own gratitude.
I loved this little sabbatical in my sister's town at the end of my active mothering. I wasn't in the club anymore and knew I could do whatever I wished without little people dictating my every move.
Eating what and when I wanted...painting and creating and shopping just for me...
Playing my music..singing and playing my guitar..not worrying if a kid had played it out of key..or worried if a kid ate the last of my favourite ice cream..or given any thought to having a job that worked with the schedule and needs of my kids.
I smiled to myself a time or two about my sister having to get home from our play dates to pick her kids up..or include their needs in her own plans. No more of that for me!!!  Phew! What a relief!!!
If you're already guessing I'm going to tell you how much I miss daily mothering...are you kidding me? Ha!
I also laughed at my dear granny telling me these are the best days of your life when I was in the thick of it. I saw her clean house and uninterrupted schedule...she was not fooling me.
I love that I can wake up to peace and quiet and paint and draw and eat what I want and not have music or TV blaring..somebody asking what's for breakfast..kids fighting over something silly..bathroom to myself..the whole day ahead of me to choose what I want to do...

What I was grateful for sitting with the wine drinking moms was that there were still kids who I could play with..make art with..learn from. And perspective.

I start a job next week. I've worked with other people's kids and parented my own for 34 years.
It is what I love.
I'm pretty damn good at it too.
The wisdom I have today will make me a good mentor/tracker for as long as I want to stay in this business. Not because I have raised my own kids so well but because of the days where others that had energy and perspective to give my kids what I couldn't or wouldn't...because of the people who taught my kids stuff and listened and housed and took them places and fed them and enjoyed the hell out of them.
It took me some time to let go of my mom ego. Realising that my kids are people..not possessions was a great lesson. Me giving what I have and being able to stand up and be grateful to anyone who has mothered my kids because...well..damnit! I can't do everything!
So happy mothering day..to me for staying plugged in..and for all the people who have been power strips.
I'm happy to be either of these things for the rest of my days.
I will definitely have many more bitch fits about disrespectful, narcissistic little punks who invade my life.  And will secretly be loving every minute of it.

happy birthday tony

Soul For Headlights
My mind is scripted,
by the path that has been burned,
Like a new born star,
My aim became high
when you taught me the way,
to set my mind free.
I clamber endlessly through the density
of self recognition.
This forest that blankets me
could not break the rays of light, from showering down on me
as you provide the dancing reflection
Amazing how life, being first priority
can't be taught in books, but rather:
We figured out life as you and I marched along
The will that burned it's distinct shimmer
In the midst of all darkness
you lead by desire
to shine my own light, follow my own path,
letting my flame soar
As the shadows grow longer
you gave me the fuel, when my lamp became empty
And how when in the darkness of the world
We must use our hearts as lanterns
To guide our soul to the sector we live in,
is the poerty of happiness
where the goblet need not be of gold,
when it quenches your thirst
and is able to fill you with
the serenity and wisdom
that falls drastically short
of the intermeshed growth of my life..
with my mother.
-TF Pizza

This is THE poem my first born wrote and framed for me. It is on the highest shelf in my room where I can see and refer and remember why I am a mom and why in the heck I continue to be so.
Happy birthday to my reason for procreation and often daily creation.
I see you.
And love you.

visit my art camp

nature references sold here

I'm inclined to long explainations. When I told my parents I was moving from the grace and loveliness of their rental home they've let me live in for the past year...I had a speech..the speech started to sound like a bunch of excuses tied together with a thread of guilt. But that isn't how I felt when I made my decision! Why was I letting it eap out this way? I had been an inactive mother too long, wanted to complete motherhood with as much awesomeness as I felt about the work/play itself. To let go of it by default was not going to be my mom legacy. That and because it is usually about me and the people around me get to reap benefits or suffer right along...I is about claiming space for dreams. My kid has his dreams to complete things in his goal list and I have my own list and need a space for it. A space that I can be myself..be messy..be down and dirty even. No..not running a whore house (although back in the day..I could have made a pretty penny) I had just been making myself small for a long while..don't notice me and what I'm doing..don't let me impose on you..ya, I know I have a lot of stuff..(why am I apologizing for my art supplies again? why is it ok to self depricate something I love and am proud of?) So, folks..I had an opportunity to claim the space I had ended my marriage in. That husband passed away but before he did..he left a legacy of inovation that I get to take advantage of. I am not without gratitude and reverence for the wall between living room and kitchen being replaced with a bar and grill (hey...ya..it's a bar and grill! still trying to think of a name..that will come in handy)I adore that type of living where you can encompass all of your entertaining in one room. The accoustics reaped from hardwoord floors and ceramic tile throughout the top level are not for everyeone..small children, noisy animals etc...but for musicians in my family? We should be so lucky. The first time I sang with my guitar in the living room was a joy. It might have been the wine..but pretty sure it was that I didn't feel I needed the microphone I had invested in at all. Having a bedroom already wildly painted and an art room next to it painted in specifics (think under the sea without the detail) might have been unapealing to some but by golly...if I'm not anything, I am adaptive...and I spent an entire sunday adapting and making my room my own with obnoxious flowers and words and color and swoops of joy. Ya..swoops!! As I left my former house with the last load to my new house, there was a butterfly on the driveway. It wouldn't move as I took pictures and pondered the significance. Even when I returned for what was really the last load..there it was. It was gone by the time I got in my car for the trip. So beautiful and kind of telling of what I wanted to do. The second nature reference was one of my favorite sayings....this going down the hallway to my bedroom and studio.. Here's some more of the nesting I'm doing

Serendipity happens

My Portland sister, Heidi was visiting my Seattle sister, Heather and took Heather's baby, Sofia for a walk. Minutes later I get a text from Heidi.."not to rub it in but look who I found!!!" and this picture. So very cool.

Happy Bre Day

I'd like to think this picture says it all but still want to share the moments leading up to meeting the baby girl I gave birth to 25 years ago. I found myself with a sad reason to get to Seattle where Breanna now lives. My little sister lives there and was beginning her first round of chemo/radiation and I wanted to be there for her...for us. This was not the meeting Bre and I had planned over the years of us knowing about each other and navigating slowly through a unique friendship. I also knew I could not go to Seattle without meeting her face to face. I sent her a message asking if we could just pop the face to face cherry and then have our longer fantasy visit at another time. I'm such a social backslider that it felt good to just make a plan. I kept the plan from my sisters who were doing the cancer vigil with our sister in Seattle until it was settled and as spontaneous and low key as possible. So one afternoon, I sent Bre a message through facebook (we had not exchanged phone numbers yet) and asked if this was a good time..that it was good for me..I knew she had the day off, I think..can't recall how it all came together but she would wait for me at a park. As luck would have it..a park seperated my sister and my daughter all these years. I was good kind of nervous and two of my sisters and my new neice joined me on a walk to meet Bre. The park would have been fine but one of us..maybe both of us suggested a bar with BEER. I loved how we kept agreeing with the plotting of this pivitol moment. This is my side of the story. I guess it's possible for Bre to tell it like I was the big bully making her do this and feel obligated to do that.. It did not feel this way. It felt like we knew each other a lifetime. I walked into the bar and there she was..prettier in life than the pictures I had studied and examined for the few years leading up to our meeting. She felt familiar. The hug felt like a blanket fresh out of the dryer. Staring and talking and staring some more. It was just us. No fanfare..none of the other players in our little drama..just naked as we came. When we decided to actually go to the park and leave the bar...I told the bartender who had not known why he was taking our picture. As if it was the most normal thing in the world..."that is my birth daughter..we just met after 25 years" I didn't even really wait for a response. Bre and I agreed that if we were to meet on a talk show, it would be Ellen..but that's all we really talked about as far as publicity. We talked more at the park and deciced to get food and go to her house. We needed a ride and so my sisters were called. Bre told me we will never get the chance to play this prank again so let's tell your sisters that the meeting isn't going well and I just need to be picked up. I am a terrible prangster but held the lie until my sisters got out of the car to tentatively meet the neice they had fallen in love with over facebook. When Bre and I started cracking up..the jig was up and hugs all around. Once at my girl's house with amazing pizza and gelato...we played guitar and sang. That is my biggest recognition. She has my voice. It gave me chills and I still havent watched the full video I made of her singing and playing for me. I met her boyfriend..her housemates..the dog. She is hippy spirit through and through and I just marveled at how she was living her life. Venturing into her backyard where she knew the name of plants, told little stories of her life I had not been part of. I continued to be happy about her family and how she was raised into this woman I would choose to be friends with. Quick smile, sparkling eyes, amazing brain. Beauty inside and out. And I'm not just saying this because we share blood. I am truly in awe. We exchanged numbers. We said our goodbyes with the promise of visits that included the people we love. And for now...we can continue to use social media and phones to keep to keep track of and get to know even more. In the end, I gained more than I lost. Knowing this girl made the lives of two people as happy as I've been raising kids...,Hell yes! I still feel pangs of loss that I didn't get a front row seat...but I am loving being in the joy of it now. Bre is my blessing.

Trees

A trip to Lake Powell when my youngest son, Baylee was still getting up to nurse in the night...I sat with him on the beach trying to feed away any crying he might do that would wake up the spring breakers we were camped by. Frustrated, sleepy, unable to get a grip on the why me?s...I had an epiphany that has carried me through 17 years of raising my last child. His dad begged me to name him Forrest. We chose Baylee collectively..(Bay being a water term his dad liked..Lee being my middle name and this was my last opportunity for that kind of nonsense)but Forrest was it for his dad. My agreeing to the name was just one of the givings in that were feeling piled on me..vacationing with babies..nursing into the night while the fisherman slept..blah blah blah. I felt sorry for myself a lot in those days. I remember looking down at a calm at last fed face of this beautiful boy..looking up at me like I was the most important person on earth and it occurred to me..I am not seeing the Forrest for the damn trees! From that moment on, I vowed to remember that raising this..my last chance at mothering..a blessing for us both. When Baylee (only his school teachers and friends call him Forrest) told me that he and are are closer than most mothers and sons he knows..I had to hide the tears and pride so he wouldn't think it was that big of a deal..learning early on that the bigger a deal I made of things my kids said..the more they would be squashed. "I suppose so", I offered. The drama that led to me leaving his dad (and him by default as I took his older brother who I saw suffered a poor relationship with his dad) is something I will save for another day. I will say that when Baylee joined us in my little Freedom House in Murray..I was overjoyed. It began a journey of motherhood moments I will forever remember. Even the times when Baylee became the parent..or tried..I will hold these memories in my heart forever. The short version here in pictures..I could write a book on what I have learned being the mother of a Forrest.

dorkiest boy in the cabin looking living space of our Murray house..the house across the street from kindred spirit, brother David.

ya..he got the biggest room..don't ask me why.

I hope he always keeps the mural his friends helped him paint in the driveway..a symbol of freedom and solidarity in my opinion..if I pass on the freedom to make your room how you want, I have done my job (well..the easy part anyway)

Baylee will hate me adding this picture of another art project..but damnit! it was FUN!!!!

speaking of fun..movie dates..can't have enough of them!

and when you miss the Murray house..remember being WEED NINJAS with Davey..ugh!!! every damn summer!!!!

Even after moving into a tiny place for me..and Baylee moving in with his dad..he still managed to visit..and I'm pretty sure it wasn't for the popscicles. I love you, Baylee.