The Sift and Shift

May 2013 began a twisted journey of shifting and sifting. I made the decision to stop trying to hang on to a house that was no longer practical for me. For many reasons..some I regret, some just are, I started the process of storage vs. tossing vs. selling vs. daily necessity.
My plan to live in my parent's basement was first on the list. Secure a storage space for all I wanted to take with me in the next incarnation was next and breaking the news to my sons who would need to stay with their dad was last and most painful.
I didn't make all the right moves at that time but I learned a lot and try to have limits on regret.

I was all about the books and art supplies I had acquired and moved and acquired more of and move. Storage was a bitch to fit everything in but I did it. Behind this stack are maybe two more stacks of books.
There they sat until I found a little apartment with enough space for my bed, kitchen things, an art table, a little couch and still in the boxes - books and art supplies.
I barely made it there at that little place in apartment complex hell before I was convinced the pretty white house behind my parent's house was the perfect place for me.
Ta da!!!

So much to love about moving into a bigger, clean and beautiful space. And then the unthinkable happened and my boy's father was killed in an accident October 2013 and shifting became imminent.
I moved back into the house we raised the boys in. Mark had already done a lot of remodeling and what was left undone, I was able to put my spin on. Which meant paint, paint and more paint.

Here I could bring all my green boxes and put them in the car port and forget I still had stuff.
I could not store the pain. I could not fix what was going on with some things in my world and made the biggest decision of all this to move to a new state. Portland, Oregon is where I would call home and find my way back to who I was losing. That all sounds fucking dramatic..and it WAS...but I'm writing to sort this time line out and that is just how it felt. All the paint in the world could not make my family whole after death and sadness. Taking myself out of the mix of my boys and their grief was all I could think of.
And there was also adventure and finding kindred spirits and HEIDI!!!!!
My sister had lived there with her family and I dig me some Wilders. They put me up in the nicest of guest rooms until I found a spot to call my own.
Before that was more sorting. I only allowed myself to take what I could fit in my car and my sweet pop's truck. All my other stuff became other people's stuff.
Books and important art supplies traveled with me..the irreplaceables, you know. My mantra was anything I can easily replace was left behind.
PDX is amazing. I love it.

I fell in love with the place more every day. When I finally found home that wasn't any better than the crappy ass apartment in West Valley City, Utah, I was pretty content.

 

 

But my loves were on my fridge.

Except these loves

May 2013, I loaded up my Red Corolla and moved back to Utah.

To this

and then a little bit of this.........

I brought some of Portland with me in mind and spirit and will miss so much but I love me some Salt Lake and perspective.

 

And that is the short version of how I sifted through 35 years of accumulation as a grown up on this planet and how I slowly decreased my material belongings. I want to share what I gained but will save that for another day. This was kind of exhausting to relive. I will leave with this..what I really really want.

 

Happy mothering day

When my kids were little, I wrote timelines out in my journal of future milestones..when each would be in kindergarten..when each and then ALL would be in school...when I would have my life back. The youngest is 18. You know what that means? Freedom!!

To celebrate..I took myself out of Utah and on to an adventure in Portland where my baby sis, heidi lived and was in the thick of mothering.

I sat with Heidi and her mom friends at a bar after the Art Day her and I had with all their kids just a few hours earlier. I recognised the relief and collective time to ourselves. I had it every time I had extended me time when my own kids were the ages of this group of mom's kids.

I got a lot of gratitude from parents that day.
What I felt was my own gratitude.
I loved this little sabbatical in my sister's town at the end of my active mothering. I wasn't in the club anymore and knew I could do whatever I wished without little people dictating my every move.
Eating what and when I wanted...painting and creating and shopping just for me...
Playing my music..singing and playing my guitar..not worrying if a kid had played it out of key..or worried if a kid ate the last of my favourite ice cream..or given any thought to having a job that worked with the schedule and needs of my kids.
I smiled to myself a time or two about my sister having to get home from our play dates to pick her kids up..or include their needs in her own plans. No more of that for me!!!  Phew! What a relief!!!
If you're already guessing I'm going to tell you how much I miss daily mothering...are you kidding me? Ha!
I also laughed at my dear granny telling me these are the best days of your life when I was in the thick of it. I saw her clean house and uninterrupted schedule...she was not fooling me.
I love that I can wake up to peace and quiet and paint and draw and eat what I want and not have music or TV blaring..somebody asking what's for breakfast..kids fighting over something silly..bathroom to myself..the whole day ahead of me to choose what I want to do...

What I was grateful for sitting with the wine drinking moms was that there were still kids who I could play with..make art with..learn from. And perspective.

I start a job next week. I've worked with other people's kids and parented my own for 34 years.
It is what I love.
I'm pretty damn good at it too.
The wisdom I have today will make me a good mentor/tracker for as long as I want to stay in this business. Not because I have raised my own kids so well but because of the days where others that had energy and perspective to give my kids what I couldn't or wouldn't...because of the people who taught my kids stuff and listened and housed and took them places and fed them and enjoyed the hell out of them.
It took me some time to let go of my mom ego. Realising that my kids are people..not possessions was a great lesson. Me giving what I have and being able to stand up and be grateful to anyone who has mothered my kids because...well..damnit! I can't do everything!
So happy mothering day..to me for staying plugged in..and for all the people who have been power strips.
I'm happy to be either of these things for the rest of my days.
I will definitely have many more bitch fits about disrespectful, narcissistic little punks who invade my life.  And will secretly be loving every minute of it.